#1445 – Airlock

Space is cold and dark. For as much as I want to go to space, I don’t know if I’d like it very much. I get nervous on the submarine ride at Disneyland; I can’t imagine how I’d respond to the vacuum of space.

I know that space is a cold, dark vacuum because every science fiction show or movie has some scene in a malfunctioning airlock. One of sci-fi’s greatest tropes is a hero crawling along a deck, desperately trying to make it to a console to reseal a hatch or reengage a force field. Our hero struggles to find her breath as air rushes out of the airlock until a button is pressed and the atmosphere is restored.

I’ve never been to space, but I’ve felt a lot like that this week.

This was a weird week. It started with my 35^th birthday and a drive into work, which found me questioning my life. I’m 35, I quit my career and I live with my in-laws. This isn’t exactly how I envisioned my life playing out. A year ago today was my last day working at my church; a decision that seemed so clear back then has, at times, felt a little murkier.

As I drove to work listening to an inspirational pop playlist from Apple Music, I processed through my feelings. I knew that I was being more introspective because it was my birthday; birthdays and New Year’s provide the perfect opportunity to reflect on our lives (are people who were born on January 1 only reflective once a year?). Nothing had changed from September 25 to September 26, but I was still questioning a lot of my choices.

I came to the conclusion that I was questioning my choices because of a lack of time. With work, family and The Christian Nerd, I don’t have a lot of spare time in my life. I’m happy to work to support our family, but I leave the house at 8:00 in the morning and don’t get back until 6:00 in the evening. By the time I’ve run in the morning and blogged at night, there isn’t much time left to pursue my larger dreams of writing a book and marketing myself as a speaker.

On Monday morning, the first morning of my 36^th year on this planet, I felt like I was trapped in an airlock and the atmosphere was quickly leaking out. I was struggling, gasping and grasping for anything that would make me feel more secure. My hands were fumbling around on the console, hoping beyond hope to find the right button that would fill my lungs with a life-giving breath of air.

That breath of air came the following day when Alycia sent me this text message:

I got a job!

For the past few months Alycia had been interviewing for jobs to teach high school biology. She felt good after all of the interviews, but never got the job. That all changed, though, and next week she’ll be in her own classroom teaching high school students. She worked so hard to achieve this goal and I couldn’t be more proud of her. It’s also something for which we’ve prayed and prayed, trusting that God’s will would be accomplished in our lives.

That text felt like a breath of fresh air because Alycia’s job puts us in a better place financially. We always trusted in God’s provision and see this new job as an extension of his great provision. But now, instead of worrying because I only worked 37 hours this week instead of 40, we’ll have a little more margin in our lives. Alycia’s new job gives me the ability to take an afternoon off to work on a book, try to find some speaking gigs or just spend some time with Clara.

Obviously this is a huge transition for our family so, if you’re the praying type and we happen to come to mind, we’d greatly appreciate your prayers. If anything, this week has taught me that God hears those prayers. On Monday morning I was crying out to God, gasping for air like it was being sucked out of my lungs. And then the next day, God breathed new life into my lungs and set our family on path for which we had prayed.

Life may feel cold and dark sometimes, but our God definitely isn’t.