I’ve got a pretty big blind spot when it comes to Star Trek: Voyager. Voyager premiered just as I was deciding that I wanted to cover up my nerdiness. I watched most of the first season, but trailed off after that. I know 7 of 9 joined the cast at some point and that they eventually made it home. Even if I don’t have an encyclopedic knowledge of their adventures, I somewhat understand their predicament.
The Voyager and her crew were lost in the Delta quadrant. They had sensors and generally knew the way home, but there was a lot of space between them and Earth. I’m sure they felt lost at many points in their journey, surrounded by unknown cultures and unexplored star systems.
I’m not surrounded by unknown cultures and the only star system I know is the one of which Earth is a part. In spite of a general familiarity with my surroundings, though, I’m still feeling a little lost these days.
My life has been in flux for a year and a half. 18 months ago I decided to leave my job as a youth pastor to pursue a dream of writing and speaking. That dream was so clearly in focus 18 months ago, but it has gotten a little blurry over that time. Alycia’s pregnancy, the birth of Clara and Alycia getting a job have put our lives into a state of flux; as I wrote about to begin the year, every time I establish a rhythm something else seems to come and knock my life out of sync.
I’m not unhappy with my life. I love my family and my job is fine; I don’t dread going to work at all. In spite of those generally positive feelings, though, I still feel a little lost. I feel like I’m not exactly where I should be based upon the decisions I made 18 months ago. That’s probably based on unrealistic expectations, like I would be a multi-millionaire because people really like when I write about Jesus and the Marvel Cinematic Universe. I also feel like I’m not where I should be because I know there’s more that I could be doing or should have done already.
It’s difficult finding a balance between being weighed down my expectations and motivated by them. How can I tell if the circumstances in my life are legitimate reasons not to be further along or simply excuses I’m using to justify my lack of progress?
Again, I’m not miserable or unhappy by any stretch of the imagination. However, I am a little confused, I’m asking a lot of questions and I feel a little lost.
Thankfully, though, God is sovereign and these lingering feelings of listlessness happened to coincide with a weekend that I’m on the worship team at church. One of the songs we’re singing is “Fierce,” a great song even if it’s a thematic carbon copy of the song “How He Loves.”
One of the lines from “Fierce” says, “How could I be lost when you have called me found?” As I’ve been listening to that song all week, that line in particular has stuck out to me. I may feel lost and rudderless, but the reality is that everything about my life and identity is found and established in God. I may feel lost, but if I’m pursuing God on a daily basis, then I’m right where I’m supposed to be. That doesn’t mean I can abdicate all responsibility for my life; very often pursuing God means working hard and living with intention. However, when we experience seasons of feeling lost, we don’t have to be consumed by those seasons. We just need to ensure that we’re doing everything we can to move forward, and trust that because we’ve been found by God he’ll do the rest.
So I suppose one of the questions that matters most is: “Am I doing everything I can?” In light of my current circumstances and available time, is there something more that I could be doing? We need to ask ourselves that question and be brutally honest with our answer. If we’re watching four hours of Netflix a day, getting 10 hours of sleep a night or leveling up three characters to 40 in Destiny, then we might not be doing as much as we can.
I know that there are a few more things I could be doing and this week has helped me to realize what some of those are. By God’s grace, though, I’ve also realized that those small areas of improvement don’t need to define me. Those areas haven’t turned my life into an episode of Voyager, trapped 75,000 light-years from home. I may not be exactly where I thought I’d be, but how can I be lost when God has called me found?
The problem with your second to last paragraph is that people who, like myself, struggle with professional boundaries in light of personal life will use that as an excuse, a motivator, and a validation when our spouse and children are upset. I understand your context though, and explicitly state that balance is needed. Otherwise we all just become Borg…
Yeah. I’ve definitely been on the other side. A just as important question is “Am I doing too much?”