The Internet is still down at our apartment. So please forgive any formatting or grammar issues (I would have loved for that to have been italicized but the WordPress iPhone app doesn't have that option).
There are so many nerd blockbusters coming out this summer. Thor, Pirates of the Caribbean, Green Lantern, Cowboys and Aliens, Captain America and Harry Potter 7.5. It's going to be an explosion of nerdiness (my phone better learn quick that I want "nerdiness" instead of "neediness") at the theaters. Here are five Bible stories which would make great summer blockbusters.
Elijah - Vigilante Justice
I see a movie of Elijah's life being very similar to The Dark Knight. Elijah was a conflicted hero on the run as an enemy of the state. He was definitely the hero that Israel deserved but he also the hero that Israel needed. Unfortunately his heroics were interrupted by the villainess Jezebel and her husband Ahab.
The movie could begin by following Elijah's early days as a prophet, predicting drought and providing for the poor widow. Running concurrent with Elijah's rise as a prophet, we would see Ahab's rise to power and the influence of Jezebel. The climax of the movie would take place on Mt. Carmel (Mt. Caramel sounds way more delicious; my phone didn't try changing "Carmel" I just like caramel) as Elijah has his showdown with Ahab and the prophets of Baal.
The movie could conclude much like The Dark Knight, with Elijah on the run, setting up the sequel: The Adventures of Elijah and Elisha. Hopefully it would be better than Batman and Robin, though that's a pretty low standard to set.
Ruth - Romantic Comedy
Sure, the story of Ruth doesn't start out that funny. In fact the first 20 minutes of Ruth would be a lot like the first 20 minutes of Up! But once Ruth and Naomi got back to Bethlehem, all sorts of "will they, won't they" hijinks could ensue.
In my mind I picture Hugh Grant playing the charming Boaz, Barbara Streisand (my phone must love show tunes, it predicted "Streisand" five letters in) as the well-intentioned but meddling Naomi and Anne Hathaway as the titular Ruth.
The movie would play out much like the Bible story. Eventually, though, there would need to be a misunderstanding that threatens the love of Ruth and Boaz. Ruth could think that Boaz is trying to pawn her off on another kinsman redeemer when really he's just trying to make sure he can marry her. Eventually it would all get worked out and some hot, new Carrie Underwood single could play as the final wedding scene gives way to the credits.
Paul and Barnabas - Buddy Road Trip
If you thought The Hangover was hilarious (not that good Christians would laugh at anything in The Hangover) then how hilarious would Paul's first missionary journey be?
The movie would follow Paul and Barnabas as they go from city to city, preaching the gospel and extricating themselves from unbelievably hilarious situations. Their crisis moment could come when John Mark leaves the group. Paul and Barnabas would realize, though, that they need each other when the people of Lystra confuse them with Hermes and Zeus.
The stoning that followed wouldn't be that funny, but the movie could finish with Paul shrugging his shoulders at Barnabas and saying, "What happens in Lystra stays in Lystra."
Mary - Witty, Pregnant Teenager
This would basically be Juno without Michael Cera. Michael Cera couldn't play Joseph; his quirky, awkward George Michael/Superbad Kid/Scott Pilgrim wouldn't come across well as a manly carpenter.
Ellen Page could totally play Mary, the world-wise pregnant teenager who handles her situation with an acerbic wit. The movie could show the tension between Mary and Joseph, their reconciliation after the angel's visit and the shenanigans they get into on the road to Bethlehem.
The film would climax with Jesus' birth. The audience would see the transformation of Mary from a sharp-tongued teenager into the reflective mother of Jesus. But, just to show that she's still got a little fire in her, the movie would close on her telling Jesus to ask his father for a better room next time.
Revelation - Apocalyptic Disaster
This one is really easy. All the producers would have to do is re-release Armageddon with these small changes:
• Digitally remove Bruce Willis and replace him with Kirk Cameron.
• Digitally remove Ben Affleck and replace him with Stephen Baldwin.
• Instead of having the crew sing "Leaving on a Jet Plane" have them sing "I'll Fly Away".
• Swap out "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" with "Butterfly Kisses".
Boom. Best. Christian. Movie. Ever.
If any of these stories ever do become movies, they're strong enough to stand on their own. We don't have to cannibalize a secular movie in order to make a strong Christian movie. At his core, God is a creator; as Christians we should strive to reflect that creativity instead of settling for recycling secular culture.
What Bible story would you like to see as a movie and what would it be like?