One of my least favorite things about Alycia’s pregnancy was the inane advice people gave us. Some of the advice was great, but some of it just left me baffled. I couldn’t understand the people who would come up to us and tell us that our lives weren’t going to be the same. Alycia and I are responsible adults; I don’t think we would have chosen to be parents without knowing that our lives were going to change.
More helpful advice would have been that everything continues to change when having a child. Everything changed from the moment Clara was born, obviously. Once we started getting into a good rhythm of having a daughter, everything changed again when Alycia got a job teaching. After a few months of figuring out those rhythms, everything changed for a third time when I started working at the church again. So come September or October, I’m expecting something will happen to completely alter our lives again.
For most of Clara’s life I was fixing computers. I enjoyed my job, but I was never inclined to stay late or put in any overtime. When a job called for it, I would stay after hours, but for the most part at 5:00 I was like Fred Flintstone waiting to hear that bird. Now that I’m working at the church again, though, I’ve found myself happy to work a little later and put in a few more hours.
Before when I was working at the church, if I put in a few extra hours, which happened frequently as a youth pastor, it wasn’t a big deal. Alycia was doing ministry with me and we didn’t have anyone waiting for us at home other than Elphie. Now when I stay late at the office, though, I’m missing out on the few hours I have to see Alycia and Clara. Clara goes to bed at 7:00 and Alycia and I go to bed a little after that. I don’t want to eat up the time I have with my family because I want to get a little more work done.
No one at my church encourages me to work too much or ignore my family; in fact, it’s quite the opposite. So if I feel inclined to work more because I want to get more done or because I want to feel more accomplished or because I want people to acknowledge my work, that’s on me; I can’t blame it on anyone else. I never thought I’d be the stereotypical father who works too much and avoids his family; I’m not yet, but I may have to try harder not to be than I thought I would.
Work is good; it was present in God’s creation before the fall. Like most good things, though, work can be detrimental if it takes too much of our focus. I love my job and I love working at a church. As great as that is, though, I still need to love my family better and more than I do my job.
Coming from a family that values hard work, this is a hard balance for me. But God honest the rest and I have to set my pride of “look at me, look at me” aside so it doesn’t ruin relationships.
So many thoughts on this topic…I’ll say this for now and continue the discussion in the Octogon.
It is very difficult to spin the plates of working hard and being home. I make it the norm to be home for dinner, bath and bedtime with my kids and the exception to work late and not see them. My work has usually afforded me the benefit of pausing to make it home on time then picking things back up late after they go to bed. But that takes time away from my wife too. The biggest action I can do is communicate my responsibilities and goals to the supporting people around me at work or at home. When I don’t do this I put a lot of pressure on myself to be everywhere. I’m always shocked at how willing others are to step in to help. Then I do the same. It’s all ebbs and flows. We just need to make it clear that we are always trying to do our best for everyone along the way.